I waste so much damn time when I could be writing. Do you do that? I sit here and piddle around with checking other websites that seem so important. I am avoiding the pain of writing. And then when I am constrained by other activities, I sit there and pine away for the writing. Why am I playing this game with myself? Why do I do these things to myself?
I’ve lost twenty pounds since the beginning of the year. It’s been a slow process but a good one. I have much more than that to lose. But now that I am at the threshold of actually making a difference in my appearance, I have begun to sabotage myself. Why? I have been stuck for over a month now at the same weight or even a couple of pounds up. Why am I doing this to myself? Why can I not get it together? Why do I hate myself? Please, please don’t hate yourself. Please give me what I need, please stop being so cruel.
I need to write. I need to be a healthy weight. I want these things. But the me deep inside of me hates me and I don’t know why. God in heaven, please send help. I don’t know how to overcome this challenge. I have overcome so much in my life. But this…
I think part of it is that I hold myself responsible for some things I did as a young mother that I feel like affected my children, in particular my older three children. The younger two, I think I got it together more. But with the older three, I still had anger issues. And I cannot hold myself blameless on that. I feel like I damaged them. And two of them have had drug issues and one of those is probably an alcoholic and not seeking treatment. The other one is married to a man who is older than her actual father.
I blame myself for these failings. And I cannot seem to let myself off the hook, which of course means that I am playing God in my own life because I believe that God forgives – but how do I go on knowing that my kids are suffering the consequences of my sins? And this is exactly what happened to my mother. She killed herself with alcohol and partly because of what she did to me. Maybe? I don’t know what she was thinking. Maybe she wasn’t even sorry for abandoning me. Maybe she truly believed that was what I deserved. Maybe all she was focused on was the fact that dad had left her for another woman and my mother’s parents were so heartbroken over how their only daughter had turned out.
I don’t know how to make peace with my failings. It keeps coming back to haunt me. I’ll think that I have put it to rest and forgiven myself and let myself off the hook and then it will come back when I don’t expect it. Like with this next phase of my weight loss. I have to fight. I have to fight to set an example for my children. How is it going to help them if I kill myself, no matter how slowly I do it? How is it going to help them if I hate myself? They don’t want me to hate myself, I can tell you that with some confidence. I didn’t want my mother to hate herself after what she did to me. Maybe for a little while I did, but I was able to forgive her and all I wanted was for her to forgive herself and stop drinking.
The way for me to help my children is to love myself. It seems so simple but it is not easy. This is not a new discovery for me, but it is one that I seem to have to re-discover over and over again. God please, please help me to love myself for real, for permanent, for change. Please show me how to do it.