The secret to my own happiness?

I’ve worshipped “someday” for my whole life and now I cannot do that any more. I’ve comforted myself with the idea that even though right now things are not exactly as I want them to be, there is a big wide future in which all things in my life can be put right and I’ll be doing all the things that I feel I am supposed to be doing, including that one “thing” that will finally qualify me as good enough.

I have to change my outlook and shift my center. What is it that I want most? I want to get through today and be happy with myself. What do I have to do to accomplish that? I have to write something (not just journaling but actual writing). I have to eat right (count points). I have to be active in a purposeful way. And I have to do something else productive, probably making something.

Maybe the solution for me is to forget about doing anything grand and just focus on one day at a time. Just be happy for this day. God please help me to do this and to stop grieving. I will get through this and be victorious. I will endure and thrive. I will reinvent my life and be happy again.

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Not writing and feeling sick about it

I’m feeling so stuck. I can’t even figure out why exactly. I want to do more with my life. But I feel like I am looking up out of a pit. I am whining about it over and over again and can’t seem to do anything about it. I had a memoir almost all written and gave it up because I didn’t want to hurt or offend anyone. Because my husband didn’t like me writing about personal stuff and sharing it with the world. He would probably protest if he knew that I was saying that. But I am pretty sure he knows that is why I stopped writing and he hasn’t told me to go on ahead with it. I feel broken. When I was in the middle of writing and I had a routine going and I was making all this progress, I felt good about it. I felt like I was going somewhere with my writing. And now I am just going no where.

Then I started writing a book about non-conformity. It was originally his idea but that was years ago so I decided it would be a good theme, it’s something we both kind of developed together and I know that he is never going to write it, at least no time soon. So I figured, well, I’ll write it up real fast and not tell him until it is done. It was going fine. Then I made the mistake of telling him before it was done and I saw that he was a little offput for a second, just a second, by my confession. He told me later to disregard that and just write it. But it all just seems so stupid now.

I used to think I had a lot to offer to the world in terms of my thoughts and ideas and experiences. But for the last few years I have just felt like I don’t have anything worthwhile to share, or if I do, it’s blocked up inside me and can’t come out in a coherent fashion. I’m trying to be patient and wait for something to break but I’m not sure if that is what I am supposed to do or if I should be making something happen.

My heart just hurts over all this. I need help to know what to do and to be able to do it. I have no confidence in myself and my abilities or my perseverance.

I’ve been wasting a lot of time on genealogy. I have some fine people in my ancestry, but it just makes me feel like I am completely off track. I should be doing something amazing with my life, like all my grandparents did, but I’m wasting the opportunity. I don’t feel capable anymore. I just feel like I am getting old and unable to seize the day like I used to be able to.

So instead, I have been just not eating as well as I should, drinking more beer than I should, not being as active as I want to, and spending too much time absorbed in genealogy.

I’m glad I have this anonymous blog to share my deeply personal feelings. I would never share these things publicly with my name attached. But I think it helps to get it out there, more so than it would help to write it down in a private journal. I hope that I can get past these feelings of depression and lack of hope and get back to energy and productivity.

 

 

I want to love myself

I waste so much damn time when I could be writing. Do you do that? I sit here and piddle around with checking other websites that seem so important. I am avoiding the pain of writing. And then when I am constrained by other activities, I sit there and pine away for the writing. Why am I playing this game with myself? Why do I do these things to myself?

I’ve lost twenty pounds since the beginning of the year. It’s been a slow process but a good one. I have much more than that to lose. But now that I am at the threshold of actually making a difference in my appearance, I have begun to sabotage myself. Why? I have been stuck for over a month now at the same weight or even a couple of pounds up. Why am I doing this to myself? Why can I not get it together? Why do I hate myself? Please, please don’t hate yourself. Please give me what I need, please stop being so cruel.

I need to write. I need to be a healthy weight. I want these things. But the me deep inside of me hates me and I don’t know why. God in heaven, please send help. I don’t know how to overcome this challenge. I have overcome so much in my life. But this…

I think part of it is that I hold myself responsible for some things I did as a young mother that I feel like affected my children, in particular my older three children. The younger two, I think I got it together more. But with the older three, I still had anger issues. And I cannot hold myself blameless on that. I feel like I damaged them. And two of them have had drug issues and one of those is probably an alcoholic and not seeking treatment. The other one is married to a man who is older than her actual father.

I blame myself for these failings.  And I cannot seem to let myself off the hook, which of course means that I am playing God in my own life because I believe that God forgives – but how do I go on knowing that my kids are suffering the consequences of my sins? And this is exactly what happened to my mother. She killed herself with alcohol and partly because of what she did to me. Maybe? I don’t know what she was thinking. Maybe she wasn’t even sorry for abandoning me. Maybe she truly believed that was what I deserved. Maybe all she was focused on was the fact that dad had left her for another woman and my mother’s parents were so heartbroken over how their only daughter had turned out.

I don’t know how to make peace with my failings. It keeps coming back to haunt me. I’ll think that I have put it to rest and forgiven myself and let myself off the hook and then it will come back when I don’t expect it. Like with this next phase of my weight loss. I have to fight. I have to fight to set an example for my children. How is it going to help them if I kill myself, no matter how slowly I do it? How is it going to help them if I hate myself? They don’t want me to hate myself, I can tell you that with some confidence. I didn’t want my mother to hate herself after what she did to me. Maybe for a little while I did, but I was able to forgive her and all I wanted was for her to forgive herself and stop drinking.

The way for me to help my children is to love myself. It seems so simple but it is not easy. This is not a new discovery for me, but it is one that I seem to have to re-discover over and over again. God please, please help me to love myself for real, for permanent, for change. Please show me how to do it.